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Friday, November 28, 2008

I am beautiful no matter what they say

I am a happy. I am not burdened by stress and worries. Sure, I have worries, but I don't let them stress me. That is not to say I am all bubbly and sweet. I tend to blow off the stress quickly. I think it is the way I let it out is my problem but it also makes me feel better. The problem is it can be rather unsocial and seemingly bitter and unhappy when taken out of context. Usually that context is safely locked up in my head safely out of view of outsiders.

Part of the stress relieving machine includes disparaging and uncharitable comments about others. I try to share them with just a few close friends and family members. I don't mean to hurt people, just entertain myself while sharpening my wicked and witty remarks. One of my true joys is being antagonistic which often includes fishing expeditions luring unsuspected victims into my carefully laid trap. More typically, when I find peoples trigger point that send them into a frenzy. There is great joy I finding someones "button" then carefully and craftily pushing it at just the right time. Yea, I know this sound more evil than good and getting joy from this might get me a blue ribbon in the sociopath club. But that is the old me.

My wife recently said she was never sure if I am happy. It does not seem like I am happy. I can see that. barking out uncharitable comments about people, exasperated comments about something not cleaned up, snide remarks about inconsiderate people all time might make it look like I am not happy but that just ain't so. Not filtering my exclamations keeps them from getting trapped in side and knocking a few bars from my happy meter. But to be construed and unhappy or indeterminately happy is a bit of a blow.

The old, old me was just quiet. I hang around the fringes not saying much. I was good at it. Somewhere along the line I transitioned from quiet guy to snarky guy in a funny way. Oh, I toss in a lot of crude and course comments too. I am not simply a pain in the a$$, I am also naughty funny using suggestive or course words to entertain those in my close proximity. But there was a time I was just quiet, absorbing in everything round me. Was that a better me?

The problem with having an opinion is that unless you have someone to tell it to, it really isn't an opinion at all. It is just some idea with potential sitting there waiting to become an opinion. I am compelled sharing these opinions. The more I think about it, the more I feel like it is balanced between adolescent and naughty humor with snarky, antagonistic "humor". My guy friends think I am perfectly happy - actually they say I am always happy. So it seems the crude adolescent humor makes me look happy even if there are some disparaging and uncharitable comments weaved in and out.

The new me is embarking on a journey to seem more happy. I really don't plan on changing much but changing the perception that I might not be happy. Changing is for weenies, changing how people perceive you is great sport. This will be a long journey with pitfalls and along the way. This is a journey worth taking. I am happy. I have a lovely and beautiful family, good and talented friends, a wonderful wife and so many things to be thankful for. I might seem ugly on the outside, but I am beautiful no matter what they say. I just have to make everyone see it.

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