Saturday, March 22, 2008

What to expect when she is expecting

I came across this piece of work I wrote about 8 years ago. I have no recollection of writing it but I thought is was funny. It is a little incomplete and ends prematurely. Still, it has a lot of useful information that is still relevant for newly expectant fathers.

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The shock! No one ever mentions the real shock you feel when you first realize that she is pregnant. This is much more of a systematic and whole body experience that the fear of being pregnant. The problem with the whole pregnant fear thing is that it keeps coming back every month. Finding out that she is pregnant is the consolidation of all those fearful weeks. Funny thing is, you spend a lot of time freakin scared, but no time preparing for the actual time. Trust me, you will be unprepared.

Now, the woman already knows. She might have known for days or weeks. She was shocked, but there is an immediate chemical release that turns them into “expectant mothers”. That is all they need. Poof, they are ready. We don’t have that little technical marvel. This presents a prefect opportunity to fail one of her lifelong tests. You see, she will be measuring your entire response. This is the response that really to fit into what she thinks it should be. Remember, she has already had he time to get used to it. If it helps, try to avoid saying things like “ What????”, “Yea, Right!”, “are you sure???” and of course “What are you going to do about it”. I suggest crying. Might as start now. There are some right things to say. Practice them! Try to seem sincere, she probably can’t tell, but best be cautious. I suggest phrases such as “This is so wonderful”, “Please, don’t be joking” and a real good one is “You look so beautiful!”. What the hell does that mean? Sounds good though!

Being pregnant is a great time. You always hear how they glow, are calm and just so excited. Many guys have the false sense of “Sex with no worries”. More often than not, expect “Sex Alone and worrying about being caught”. There are a lot of odd changes that happen in women. I have heard about them several times. It is just, that I have not really been listening. You will do that a lot. Women’s breasts grow bigger. You can’t touch them, but they get better and better each day. They may look good to you, but she is not as excited. Apparently, they hurt. Not sure what that means, but they do. She will also be a tad self-conscience. They don’t look the same to her. You never really looked at them before, so you have no idea what she is talking about.

Her feet will shrink and swell daily. You will think it is hourly. Smile a lot. She will gain weight, but you will not notice – If you know what is good for you. Those next 7 or 8 months can get a lot worse! Remember, “You look so beautiful”. Women do not really get weird food cravings. They just want to see what they can make us do. It works. Go along, it will be better that way. Think of it like walking on the freeway. Sure, you can do it, but it will eventually lead to disaster and is really not worth dying for.

Morning sickness sucks. To her, it is a necessary evil. She may be feeling a bit romantic, go and barf and then come back for a little cuddling. That is just weird. It is OK to pretend you are still asleep. Believe the rest of what you hear, except that loading her down with saltines does not work. It is just propaganda from the cracker companies.

No one ever mentions that you can no longer trust her. You see, she loses all short-term memory. She remembers things like she is pregnant and she did not promise to fool around. That is about it. This can be a fun time. You can really mess with her. Move her car keys a couple inches and watch her search for them. Put her clothes back in the closet after she takes them out. Don’t keep doing it because she will start crying. She will not know why she is crying, but she will cry nonetheless. She will do that a lot. You will be driving; she will see a purple flower and start crying. Don’t try to figure it out. “You look so beautiful!”

No cowboy, you will not poke the tyke in the head and cause brain damage. Some always asks though. Don’t make the rest of us look like idiots too!

Lamaze is a waste of time. The breathing exercises just condition her to have more energy to grab you by the boys. Go to the classes though it is worth brownie points. Try not to go after dinner. Did I mention about being “gassy”. That tends to be somewhat unpleasant by itself, in a room full of pregnant women who are being told that it is natural and good to let it out can be overwhelming. Mornings are good. Plus, you get a nice starter bag of baby goodies at the end of the classes. Mine also had a convenient stand of pamphlets about vasectomies. As if you are not scared enough!

Labor day! It is weird. As the time draws near, sleep all the time. Stay home from work and sleep. Labor is weird. By now, she prepared you. She may have even had you do a practice run or three to the hospital. Sometimes the practice runs are under the guise of “false labor”. This is just mean. It seems hard to believe that they can’t tell the real thing. It happens!

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